Receiving is an art…
So many people have been deeply hurt because their gifts were not well received.
Let us be good receivers.
- Henri Nouwen

Giving and receiving are locked as dynamic actions. There can be no giver or gift without a receiver, and how we are as recipients affects how we are as givers. For this reason, it is almost impossible to talk about giving without also commenting on receiving and vice versa. Consideration of what recipients are needing, hoping for, and receptive to will help us to be better at giving. Some studies have shown that there may be gender differences in how we receive and a popular book discusses how the specific forms a gift is given in will make a difference in how well-loved we feel.

In a study about women and gifts of flowers, pens and other objects, Rutgers University professor of psychology Jeannette Haviland-Jones revealed findings about the reactions of the recipients and  tied these to the form of gift given. In Haviland-Jones’ study, participant’s responses to being given gifts included true smiles, improved episodic memory and positive moods, which lasted even three days later. As compared with other gift objects, flowers provoked instant delight and happiness, and induced powerful positive emotions. Based on these findings, there seem to be few negative reactions or impediments to the women receiving these gifts. In fact, the gifts seem to create some powerful positive effects.

By contrast, Todd Kashdan, associate professor of psychology at George Mason University did a study of gratitude, the emotion of thankfulness and joy in response to receiving a gift in men and women.  Kashdan’s previous studies have found that gratitude is one of the main elements in creating happiness and meaning in life. In this study, he found that men are much less likely to feel and express gratitude than women. By contrast, women reported feeling less burden and obligation and greater levels of gratitude when presented with gifts than men. An additional finding was that older men reported greater negative emotions when the gift giver was another man. So receiving may be easier for women than for men – especially for men if the giver is of the same gender.

These are studies of relatively small groups of people and account only in a limited way for individual interaction styles and other factors. However, if we consider that every person, regardless of gender identification, has aspects that might be labeled masculine and feminine; it may make it easier to consider these generalities. Still it does indicate that, in order to achieve greater pleasure and well-being, that feminine ways of receiving may have something to teach those who tend toward more masculine pitfalls in receiving.

There is a popular book by Christian author Dr. Gary Chapman, called The Five Love Languages. Although the original book (there are now a number of versions) is geared toward heterosexual married couples, it is based on the interesting idea that we will feel more loved if we are given gifts in the format of our preference. These 5 formats, or languages, are what are referred to in the book title.  They include:

• Words of Affirmation - where the recipient prefers verbal appreciation
• Quality Time – where the recipient prefers focused attention
• Receiving Gifts – where the recipient prefers tangible or material expressions
• Acts of Service – where the recipient prefers assistance with their responsibilities
• Physical Touch – where the recipient prefers bodily contact & embrace

This focus on the person receiving the gift, considering what will make them feel loved, and providing the language to explore and convey these preferences seems extremely helpful. One of the versions of The Five Love Languages is a Men’s Edition. Although I have not read the book, from what I can find about it on the web, it seems to speak primarily to traditional gender roles within a marriage – where men sometimes struggle in their role as givers (of affection, gifts, erotically, etc.) to the women who are the recipients. I am sure this provides valuable assistance. Based on the studies cited above, it seems that the men could use some help being receivers as well.

Giving presents is a talent; to know what a person wants, to know when and how to get it, to give it lovingly and well.
Unless a character possesses this talent there is no moment more annihilating to ease than that in which a present is received and given.
- Pamela Glenconner